So at lest tonight I'm on my computer writting really quick so I can get this weird energy out of me so I can go to sleep. Today I have felt very closed off tonight.. just over all very blah. I hate that feeling of seperation between me and the world, but I guess im just lost in thought. Got alot going on I'm living with family that wants me to stay here in OR and is trying to push me into long term plans and what the hell am I doing? Thinking of in teh near future plans of moving in with Mike. But even that thought has catches to it. So many what ifs. I am just not a what if type of gurl. I'm a give me a yes or no the cold hard facts answer all my what if questions with facts and reasurance and I make my final decission like that. But unfortunatly life tends to let that fantasy of mine down. It really sucks.
Right now I see my life as a black hole sucking me down but it has little shoots (miniture black holes) that you can take to get out of the big one kinda like a bus with bus stops . wow I just gave a comparison for my comparisson NICE. But in any case I just let myself keep falling becuase I dont know what exit to get off at. its all rather crazy. And the mental image of it all it a bit alice in wounder land :)
Right now im at the point where i would do anything for money. I need to survive, i need money to get by... to have any sort of life. i feel like i cant survive being me, it sucks .. and i would like to forfit.
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